More stream-of-consciousness ranting

I'm not sure this is entirely fitting with the general political theme of this blog, but much as my conversion to conservatism seemed without any particular motivation, so too does my conversion, I suppose reversion, back to Christianity. The parallels I can attribute to nothing more than, no offense to liberals and non-theists, simply maturity.

I guess the best place to start with this exercise is self-exploration would be to answer a question I posed, as an atheist/agnostic, to those with more traditional religious belief: What would be the end result had you been born into a family espousing a different set of religious dogma? The obvious answer, one our multicultural, politically correct society would abhor, would be that I would then simply be wrong. Of course, this brief answer is patently chauvinistic, but what is more chauvinistic than any religious conviction? (I'll leave the Unitarians out of this assessment) I suppose saying other religions are "wrong" isn't the best terminology, and requires some qualification. Essentially, by taking on a particular theology, one acknowledges that their belief system is the most right, and that in some way or another, the others are wrong to different degrees.

Getting back to my story, even when I felt the strongest conviction against monotheism, I still felt that at one day I would eventually adopt a more traditional metaphysical worldview. I seriously doubt any folks with religious conviction come to terms with a notion that they will one day become atheists or agnostics. This doubt alone should have left me questioning the tenants of a non-theistic position.

Of course, many conversion stories involve some traumatic event contributing to a change of faith or the impact of someone deeply religious in ones life, but I have none present. My change was more spurred on by a general nagging feeling deep within the annals of my consciousness that even though empirical and in some senses, logical evidence leads towards atheism, there was something missing. My adoption of nihilism lead towards many sleepless nights wondering what the point of waking up the next morning was, what the point of studying was, what the point of having friends was. Many atheists and agnostics are able to continue with their day-to-day lives, not specifically addressing these concerns, but putting them on the backburner, and keeping up with their responsibilities. I wasn't able to do so, and it troubled me. If life ended the moment I died, and my entirety transformed into nothingness, then there would be no sizable difference between being a homeless person and being president of the United States. All would be the same in the end: nothing.

Of course when there's no metaphysical meaning to life, it makes it a hundred-fold easier to find meaning in all differing forms of hedonism. Some try to find meaning through sex, kleptomania, recklessness, violence, etc. I tried to find it looking down an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Frankly, I could write thousands of words on how college life fosters and promotes a life of alcohol abuse, but this isn't the point I'm trying to make. Actually I don't really even know what point I'm trying to make.

Anyway, I'd wake up Saturday, Sunday, and sometimes Monday morning with a splitting headache, recalling the supposed fun I had had, and granted, many times I had thoroughly enjoyed myself the night before. However, recalling the question asked to Edward Norton towards the climax of American History X, when asked about his racism, "Where has this gotten you?" Where has the party lifestyle gotten me? Of course I have more friends now than I ever have had, but what common ground do we share? The never-ending quest for another party, another beer. I definately cherish all the friendships I have made, and no doubt, even if I stop partying (something which won't happen suddenly) they will remain. What I am critiquing is the lifestyle that goes along with our actions. The active suppression of intellectualism that is married to the numbing of the senses. I know I can have an intelligent conversation about geopolitics, literature, music critique, etc. with every one of my friends. However, if we were to engage in this at a large enough party, no doubt we would face scorn. Not necessarily direct objections, but rather a more indirect headwind in the form of just simply not meeting anyone.

After that last sentence, I just realized I have no significant interest in meeting anyone who does not share my passion for the deeper things in life. I suppose, next time I am at a party, maybe I will engage in conversation along those subject lines. Of course, my intellectual friends with overly-active libidos might object, but oh well. This essay has really diverged heavily from the original subject matter. I guess I'll finish and try to get it more on point.

Maybe I'm subject to the atheistic contention that religion is merely a tool to help people cope with the everyday strains of life, and to have purpose. It sure as hell beats the alternative.